


I'm not okay (I Promise)

by orphan_account



Series: YouTube Shenanigans [6]
Category: PewDiePie (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Wedding, Sad, Sad Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:23:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4064893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan's  not sure when his heart broke. But seeing Mariza and Felix at their wedding, it damn sure hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not okay (I Promise)

Authors Note: My other Pewdiecry fic (Magic) will be updated sometime near the end of June. I apologize. However, 'Just Bros?' Is on hiatus until I either quit or finish Magic! Sorry folks!

Also: kinda hate Pewds now. Been a bro since 201-1/2 and he's just an asshole now. I'm trying to convince myself he's not, so gimme time!

Based on Helena So Long and Goodnight by MCR//

Ryan wasn't sure the exact moment when his heart break. Although he felt it break, for sure. 

He stood there, dressed in all black, His best suit and tie. No mask, no face cover up- because it was a wedding. A private wedding with just a few YouTubers and of course, both of the spouses family.

Other wise known as Felix's family and Mariza's family.

They were getting married. Felix had proposed on their anniversary. 

The ring was beautiful, and so was she, and she started to cry and laugh and feel so many things at once. Marzy hugged and kissed Felix who did the same, so happy that she had said yes. Ryan wasn't there but when he had watched the proposal video, he wanted to start crying, too. But not because he was happy, or excited for them. He was, really, he wanted to be. But he was heartbroken. He shut off his computer when he saw it, but it wouldn't be that easy would it? Felix, oh Felix. His best friend texted him, telling him all about the news- and Ryan felt so betrayed, so broken and helpless, like nothing would be okay ever again.

But he told him how happy he was for them.

Ryan tried to forget. He tried really hard, really hard. He tried to drink it off, play video games, sleep, do something to get his mind off of the fact that someone he had dreamed about was about to forget all about him.

But then He started to try and think. 'Felix is my friend,' he told himself. 'Not my boyfriend. I never even made a move.'

He wasn't gay or anything, either. No, Felix was as straight as straight could be. He joked, yeah, but had to stop joking about that kind of stuff once he got more popular because people would bash him. 

And essentially, the 'Pewdiecry' got too much for Felix to handle, and essentially stopped co-oping with Ryan.

And of course Ryan understood. He got it. It hurt, but he got it. They still talked and played games, and were the best of friends, but they just didn't tell anyone.

And Ryan supposed that was fine.

But at night, he would have these dreams. About him and Felix being so close, being so happy. He would have weird dreams where they would be together, and it was just the best feeling in the world.

And when he woke up he was filled with a sadness that he could never explain to anyone.

So he stood there, smiling. Standing up as Felix whispered 'I do.' He watched as Mariza did the same, and they kissed.

Ryan wasn't sure when exactly his heart broke, but he knew it did.

Everyone was clapping and taking pictures and the photographers were doing the same. Ken stood with Mary near the front and looked near the back to smile at Cry, and Cry of course smiled back. He clapped too, he clapped to the ever so fastening rhythm of his heartbeat.

His broken, horrible heart.

And then the music started. And the beautiful Mariza jumped into the arms of her prince, and was spun around. It was time for the party part of the wedding to begin, where everyone would dance with their dates and congratulate the wonderful couple on finally becoming married.

Ryan was alone, though. As he always was.

And he smiled and tried to act normal. He watched as people began to enjoy themselves, crowding around the wonderful newly married to give them hugs and kisses. 

"Ryan!" Felix smiled, wrapping his arms around him. "Thanks so much for coming all the way from Florida."

And he was pretty sure in that exact moment, his heart fell apart for good.

"No problem, anything to see you two happy."

Pewdie stopped and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You've been a really good friend to me all these years. Thank you."

Ryan left that situation as Ken an Russ had made their way over, trying to get some pictures. He couldn't bare to see the smiles and grins and happy faces anymore.

"Oh, hey Ryan!" Mariza cooed, giving him a half-hug in her long white dress. "Thanks so much for coming, you know we really appreciate it. Gonna stick around for the party?"

"Uh-n-no. I think I should go."

"Ryan, is something wrong?"

Oh, God. He was starting to cry. And he felt like such a fucking dick for it, too. You don't ruin someone's wedding by making a scene or crying at it.

"No! I'm just really happy for you guys."

Mariza gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Ryan. You're welcome in our home anytime."

But he wasn't. They were married now, and no doubt that Pewds talked about wanting to have a kid. He wasn't welcome, because all he was was just a memory now. He had Ken and Russ and Mark and all of them, so it's not like he was actually needed. He wasn't exactly sure why he was invited in the first place, because all he was was...

Was...

Something that didn't happen.

And Cry didn't blame Felix. Felix had no idea.

He returned to his hotel and plopped was first into the bed.

He started to cry.

He didn't want to, and he tried not to. He felt like such an idiot, such a child for thinking about Felix in a way out of friendship. It was obvious that his life with him wouldn't go farther, because let's face it. They were made for each other. And his life wasn't some dumb fan fiction with a blushing, flushed six pack Pewds who wanted to fuck him senseless. This was Felix, a Swedish YouTuber with a lot of money and friends, and a beautiful Italian princess of a girlfriend right by his side. He didn't need Ryan, some awkward American Florida boy who barely had friends, and his fan base didn't even know what he looked like. He didn't need Cry, who had a 'sexy reading voice' and an awkward laugh, or his 'brofist' sweatshirts and jeans. But Ryan needed him, Ryan needed him to live it seemed. And now, he was just a broken mess laying on the bed of a hotel room he rented out to come to this shitty wedding.

It's all that bitches fault, he tried to convince himself. It's all Marizas fault. All of it.

But he truly liked her; she was sweet and caring, beautiful, fit for a king as some would say. And a gamer, too, oh how that's so his type. 

Ryan knew it wasn't her fault, but he still couldn't shake the feeling of hating Her anyway. He was just jealous.

'Were all going out to the bar. We rented the place out! Wanna come?' 

Felix texted him that just now.

"STOP." Ryan yelled and threw his phone to the wall, hoping to God that it broke and he had a reason. 

Beep beep.

It rang again.

'Pleeeaaaase. You left early. At least come with us :('

Beep beep.

'It's just me and Ken right now. Mariza wanted to have a small party with her fam afterwards, and everyone else is going back to their hotels and comin later.'

Ryan wanted to smash his phone again.

'Don't you remember September?'

Fuck.

'RYAN PLS '

'Fine, I'll be right there .3.'

'YOU DA BEST.'

Ryan wanted to tell him to fuck off, tell him how much he was hurting and how much he wanted to die. But he supposed that if they were going to be drinking, it wouldn't be as bad.

"And so like- how's the married life with you Ken?"

"Well- Mary buys a lot of Candles. And you guys will probably argue a lot. And buy more dogs."

Felix laughed, he was asking Ken about how the married life was. He had asked before, but he was asking more now, because now he was finally married. And he could relate.

"Oh good, you came!" Felix smiled and waved at cry, who walked through the door of the war and took a seat at the round table they sat at. 

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"What? Nothing! Just a little tired is all."

"Uh- Mariza said you looked kinda sad earlier."

Ryan really wanted to scream and yell.

"Nah dude, it's all good." He ordered a drink with a lot of vodka in it.

"Ryan, seriously. I don't care if it's my wedding. Tell me if something's wrong."

He tried not to look up. "I promise, it's nothing."

Pewdie basically dragged Cry up, and Ken watched as he dragged him to the bathroom. "Okay, just leave me here," Ken said with a laugh, checking his phone.

"What's wrong?" Felix frowned and leaned against the bathroom door. "My ours not leaving until you tell me. Did Mariza say something to you?"

Fuck. Ryan felt like a little kid, ruining someone's party because he was fucking emotional.

He felt like a caged dog.

"I told you! Nothing! Just enjoy the rest of you're special night, you dick."

"Ryan, it's okay. Just tell me, you were crying earlier and left early. I mean who leaves a wedding early?"

"I don't know! Please let me out."

Felix stepped closer to Ryan and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Please tell me."

And fuck. Ryan could t take it anymore, looking at Felix so damn concerned that he would risk his entire night just to make sure one of his friends was okay. He went out of his way to make sure Cry felt so welcome, so invited to everything. And we fucking hated him for it.

He leaned up and placed a hastily sloppy kiss on Felix's lips.

'WHAT AN I DOING!?' His mind yelled, feeling as Pewdie didn't pull away or kiss back, but stood there, frozen.

A part of him hoped that he would kiss back.

"I- oh." Felix looked startled at Cry. "Ryan- I'm sorry but you know I cant..."

"I know."

Ryan wasn't sure when his heart broke, but he was sure it was right there.


End file.
